Posted February 1, Reviewed by Kaja Perina. My work with hundreds of couples reveals that pleasing is a familiar relational dynamic. It seems to work when someone is eager to please, and someone else is eager to be pleased. Such discontent happens because the person being pleased feels alone. That person is the only one participating in the relationship by voicing his or her desires and needs. Frustration can also build as the pleaser becomes exasperated when pleasing does not satisfy the partner.
Pleasing has its roots in childhood when it becomes a primary way of relating. It can be the pattern of anyone considered a good child. For a child, being good translates into pleasing by being compliant and adaptive to the expectations of authority figures. It is indeed a viable way for children to cope with the discrepancy of power experienced by adults.
Pleasing engenders parental approval, encouragement, preferential treatment, and even academic success in school. The problem is it can be difficult to outgrow. Children figure out the many benefits of pleasing.
They may be willing to forfeit authentically participating in relationships as they age to favor their old standby — pleasing. When an adult continues to build rapport with others by relying upon pleasing, it is a strategy and, hence, immature. The pleaser is supposed to benefit in some way by the person being pleased.
Mature pleasing is non-strategic. Pleasing has intrinsic value for the pleaser. It simply feels pleasant to please with no hidden agenda. Interrupting immature pleasing can feel risky because it means becoming more visible with your desires, feelings, and needs. Here are some suggestions. Also, consider how often it was reinforced by others who delighted in your offerings. It was unsafe for you to be visible with your needs and desires.
